Conflicted.. am I gay? Am I BI?

I guess we can start playing “catch up” with this truth.. I’ve never been so conflicted and confused about my sexuality.

Self reflection can stir up some pretty stanky shit. Sorry for the language but quite frankly I don’t find a better way to speak it. Ugh, WHO AM I? and next important question, WHO DO I LOVE?

You see, it’s so complex. My entire life I’ve been instilled the thought that.. I’m a woman and therefore, I meet a MAN, fall in love with a MAN, marry a MAN and start a family with a MAN. Well, how else could I possibly think? From the cartoons to the fairytales, that’s the way it went. The handsome prince saving the helpless princess. The princess falling in love with the handsome prince. Barbie and Ken.. Adam and Eve type of reality. Everything else was simply NONEXISTENT. Right? There was no other way, right? There was nothing else allowed, correct? That was the predestined fairytale reality for me as a FEMALE.

I would meet that “prince” he’d take care of me, support me financially, give me pregnancies and children whom he would also support and the white picked fence so on and so forth. That was my reality. Period.. and better be no questions asked, felt or pondered.

For those of you just joining me on this journey, there’s another dynamic to me.. I’m D.I.D. Also known as, multiple personality “disorder” 🙄 hate that “disorder” part, like I’m some kind of misfit or error in the make type of human. Anyway, that part of my dynamics puts a spin on me and I question most everything I feel, think, say or do. Because there is more than just me, I always second guess and have to really do soul search to know if it’s ME.. the one feeling, seeing, speaking or having reactions to things. FUN!

Lately, coming to my authentic true self has been a forced face to face reality and my sexuality is a core of it. I’m so confused. You see, I know that the previously mentioned reality is what “should” be my reality. Yet, I also know for most all my life I’ve had this unsettling feeling and longing when it comes to the same sex. A feeling or knowing of which, I always ran ignored or disregarded as a glitch in my make up.

Fear of rejection, judgement, disgust and/or even hate, paralyzed me in even facing and exploring this truth. Nevermind becoming a Christian along the way and being constantly reminded of the abomination to God that this unspeakable “sin” was. Then.. a relationship with a woman happened.. started with a friendship, sparked into a kiss and developed into a fast paced ending in toxicity relationship. Yet, for the first time I felt I was in truth when I was with her.. fast forward, That relationship is over, I reconnect and marry a man.. even though while walking down the aisle and even in the preparation process, I felt like a walking dead, twilight moment. I did it, I married the “prince.” Conclusion in that: divorce.

Fast forward.. here I am. Being faced with This turmoil of feeling, “the feelings” and having the desire and longing to be with a woman.

I began online dating app process along the way.. I have met fabulous men, have a best friend, female, whom I come to realize, im with and want and have to control the urge to kiss and can see my future with her.. but… is it MY feelings. Is it MY desire? And if it is MINE to own up to.. how can I? What will me world and society think of me? What about the consequences and judgements awaiting? Will she, a Christian woman, whom herself has spoken of having “had” feelings for me respond if we lean in for that first kiss? Will I be shone from my very old school, men and women are the correct way of being… could I face the persecution that it could bring? Do I even truly love women, this woman? Why am I still exploring and seeking out MEN? Is it to just fit a mold of what’s expected? And again, is it ME having these desires and my truth to own up to?

Are these struggles of someone else within me? I mean, I can be with a man. I want to give my family, my son, the “right” and “healthy” upbringing with him watching his mom be with a “dad” and have him enjoy the privilege of having a man instill and raise him with morals and values a man needs instilled and most part, only gets from a father figure.. a male father figure. I can stomach being with a man but then I go to just the thought of having to be intimate with a penis and something shuts down every part of me!

As a sexual abuse survivor, is it just my trauma speaking into my emotional state of being? Is that what’s distorting things and clouding my “better judgement” to just be happy with having a man?

I sat next to her today.. desiring and wanting to just lean in and kiss her but.. this is one of my best and closest friends, I can’t afford to out myself and not just ruin the friendship but definitely can’t take away his favorite “auntie,” right? Is this even real, what I’m feeling? What I’m thinking?… again, is it even me or is it someone within me? Even if it is someone within me.. how do you deal with that? With having someone within you living and dwelling in the idea of having the “non conventional” household and be with same sex.. how do you maneuver is such a way to satisfy that longing for them and uphold the principals and morals standards placed?

I don’t believe any of it you know.. the prince to my princess and man and a woman only possibility shindig. However, am I ready to say or do otherwise.. other than just giving in to caring, loving, being with her, am I ready to take on that battle for the sake of satiating some but not all within me? If this is MY desire, how do I meet the sexual needs of those others that believe in the sanctity of marriage, as I have programmed in my mind.

Someone help and pass the word… how did you know you were in love with adame sex? How do you proclaim Christianity and still walk in being your true self? Oh the oxymoron behind it all..