Hidden Enemy.. Bully = Suicide?

“YOU ARE USELESS.” “NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOU!” “YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE AND LIFE!” “YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” “YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE FAILURE!” “YOU ARE AN IMPOSTER, A FRAUD!” ” YOU ARE SIMPLY SOMETHING THEY FEEL THEY MUST TOLERATE!” “LOOK AT YOURSELF, WHO’D WANT YOU!” “YOU’LL NEVER BE ANYTHING!” “YOU’RE DAMAGED GOODS!” “THEY WERE RIGTH!” “YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED!” “YOU SHOULD JUST NOT EXIST!” “YOU’RE A BURDEN!” “THERE IS NO GETTING OUT OF THIS! YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THE GARBAGE YOU ARE!” “YOU WONT BE ABLE TO DO THIS!” “YOU DONT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!”

Sounds familiar. Some of the meanest, most disturbing phrases yet, the strongest weapons bullies use to beat at their victims souls until they succeed. Bullies are defined by these horrid human beings that find pleasure in being destructive, invasive, angry, mean and seekers of pain in others. We have lifted campaigns against them. Rallied against and took a stand in the name of every victim; victims of ALL sorts of bullying. Cyber bullying, hallway bullying, physical bullying and intimidation. Court cases have even been brought before our court systems against those bullies who have gone to the point of destroying the soul of one human to the extent of driving the victim to take their own lives… yet, we’ve missed a HUGE ‘target’… we have missed to go after, lift up campaigns, rally around, bring awareness, and stand up for the greatest form and inescapable bullying of all….SELF BULLYING… SELF SHAMING… SELF VICTIMIZING.

See, all those phrases and mean, disgusting, destructive words.. those aren’t examples of what the outside world has said to some of us, its what we’ve said to ourselves. What some still struggle with silencing, every day. Its the loudest voice that eats at the soul, day in and day out; that sits you in a debilitating, isolating, shaming, disgusted corner where the walls cave in and the air feels shortened. Our biggest bully.. SELF.

Closing off a week where, suicide awareness was a huge focus and where, another artist has taken their own life because it seemed to be the one and only escape from SELF, I had to speak on this. My story is impossible to tell or share without mentioning this subject. For today, suicide is not, will not, ever again, be an option for me. Yet, this wasn’t always the case, yet… that doesn’t mean the bullying has stopped.. self bullying that is.

There were at least 4x, that I could remember, that I attempted to take my own life; those attempts started earlier on. As we see, I was unsuccessful EACH time and that, well, that ‘failure’ just added volume to those bully’s voice within me.

You see, on the exterior I can tell you, I was popular, I was liked, I had countless acquaintances. Teachers loved and took care of me, administrators huddled me under their protective wings and well, I was the mean girl. I was the bully, I was the shamer, I was the taunting voice, for some, when they’d walk down a hallway. I was the bully preying on those that I felt to be ‘weak.’ Not many memories sit within me about my past, my younger days, those memories.. are there… the memories of knowing, I was a bully.

To the watchful eye I was the one who could drive others to commit this unspeakable act; I would never be the one to commit it. Oh, how little we know. In the silence of my actions, there was this tormenting voice that sounded just like mine. Every day it reminded me that I was a piece of garbage. It reminded me that I had this hole sitting in the depths of me that would never be filled. That the loneliness that I felt was going to be eternal. My voice reminded me that I was useless. I’d never amount to anything. I was stupid, unintelligent and unloved. It reminded me I was only good or useful for a few things… none which are speak able to me, yet. My voice whispered sweet, bitter NOTHINGS that, slowly but surely, determined EVERYTHING.

Self harm was an option, yes, anorexia a definite assistant, but all of it was temporary and I needed a permanent solution. It was an inner hell that couldn’t be stopped.. after all, how do you escape your own inner hell?! Therefore, in the loud silence of self.. suicide became the permanent solution and the place to find ‘peace.’

By the grace of God, because of having a purpose that went and still goes beyond anything I could ever fathom, and because there was someone greater than I calling me out and hovering over me, I am here today. Eventually, as I got to walk the path of life a bit more I realized… somewhere within the depths of me, a hope. A determination to rebel against MY voice and proof to my bully that I was nothing she said I was. Somewhere down the line, with all my insecurities, self doubt and inner battles I endure each day.. I found a truth that outweighs all the lies MY voice and bully wants to destroy me with.. one core truth is simple.. had I not had a purpose to still fulfill, I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve died when I should have died. < THAT truth, alone, strengthens me. By no means is that voice silenced, but.. I’ve recognized my bully, acknowledged it and with that, work daily on giving a louder volume to the voice of who created me.. and who HE says I am.

However, not everyone is that blessed. So, with this suicide awareness week coming to a close, I make a stand and call for a rallying, campaign and awareness to the biggest of the bullies, that drive the vehicle directly off the cliff.. SELF.

What if we were to start speaking what we so sacred held in our thoughts? What if we expose the bullying that happens within us? What if we were to start calling our inner dialogue for what it truly is? What if we were to get so outraged and insulted by the way we treat ourselves? What if we were to say ‘NO MORE’ to the bully within us? What if we started to believe that..

“YOU ARE INTELLIGENT.” “YOU ARE CAPABLE” “YOU ARE ABLE!” “YOU ARE WORTHY OF GREATNESS!” “YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED!” “YOU HAVE PURPOSE.” “THIS WORLD NEEDS YOU!” “YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE JUST BY EXISTING.” “YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD.” “YOU ARE LIMITLESS!”

What if…..?

• We stopped running or denying our self bullying?

If we sat down and wrote down EVERYTHING we hear ourselves say continuously within.

• Took a minute to acknowledge it and then turn the page

(It’s real. You say those horrid things to yourself!)

What if….?

If we sat down and on the next page wrote the opposite of what that lie was speaking

“You’re stupid!” Combatted with, “I am intelligent, knowledgeable and creative.”

• If we were to give credit and acknowledge the great things we have done

Everyday writing or reflecting on the accomplishments we made, even if just that day.

• If we were to speak to ourselves as we would speak to others.

You know, the way you tell others how great they are. How proud you are of them. How beautiful they are. How strong and admirable they are. The way you tell others, they are enough and whoever can’t see that doesn’t deserve them. The way you tell your friends, there’s greatness within them. The way you compliment their hair, the new style and cut. The way you compliment their make up that day or the choice of outfit.

What if you were to accept, love, cherish, and embrace YOU.. the way you embrace the world with their wounds, brokenness, weaknesses, faults and all?!

I get it.. I fight this battle everyday.. but we STOP the bullying one act at a time.. I’m great at being my bully.. I want to learn how to be extraordinary at being my protector! The difference in those two things is DEATH or LIFE. If life is my choice then living it isn’t an option; I’ll live it the best I can.

Leave comment below.. what’s your take on this all?

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One thought on “Hidden Enemy.. Bully = Suicide?

  1. I loved this one for sure, for me personally yea I was bullied growing up and abused. Now that I’m not around any of that I’m literally my biggest bully.
    “I never thought I was a bully till the way I heard I talked to myself.”

    Liked by 1 person

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