What a soar and comfortable subject to speak of. Many think it and think about all the highlighting subjects that surround it… however, very few discuss it. It’s been on my mind a lot lately. With social media, just media in general, conversations and even just with some stirred up memories, thoughts/emotions that have been stirring up for me.
Since this is sort of my way of “journaling” I figured what a better place and platform to let it ALL hang out on such a dreadful topic.. at least on some levels.. and at least for me.
So, INTIMACY.. some think of this word and a sexual image almost immediately generates in their mind. Fair enough. Its sort of what the “culture” has set it up to be now a days… I’d lie if I were to say my mind doesn’t do the same thing. Then, I start to ponder on all levels of intimacy and the difficulty I have with them all.
Some I could easily put off and say.. “well, I’m an anorexic/bulimic, of course I have issues with being sexually intimate because it means all my clothes come off..” yet, if I explore and am truthful, it’s so much deeper than that. SO MUCH DEEPER
Truthfully, probably the most hated one for me. You see, with the physical I have a gift, once I’m “in it”.. to disconnect and go somewhere else mentally.. however, emotionally.. well, I can’t really escape my inner self too much.
For so much of my life time I have dreaded and ran from emotional connection or intimacy. The vulnerability of having someone come “inside” of my inner most being. To have a glimpse into my soul, the very core of me.. that thought alone overwhelms and scares the living daylights out of me. Now, lets put with that what it would mean the moment I “allowed” that emotional intimacy. The moment I allowed someone the privilege to enter into a place so deeply inside me, it was as if I stood bare naked before them and without a sheet to pull over me nor as much as a under garment to at least cover the “core areas.”
You see, to me, putting walls down, opening the door to the insides of me, making myself emotionally available to you; allowing myself to be emotionally intimate with you meant and still means a vulnerability I don’t know how to handle. That vulnerability means giving you some sort of power and possibility of hurting me, of using me, of shattering the bits of pieces that were barely holding together. It means having me care for you and therefore, caring what you did or didn’t do; how you felt or didn’t feel; Emotional vulnerability means shining a light so brightly on all the little and largest of insecurities that arose when suddenly I became attached.
Insecurities of not being deserving, insecurity of not being good enough, insecurity of not being smart enough, pretty enough and it goes on… insecurity of could I “be” if you left me? insecurity of what it’d mean if one day we weren’t as good of friends, or one day we weren’t lovers. Because… what would that mean if you “walked away” from me? Something and/or someone else I failed or wasn’t good enough for..
If I emotionally allowed myself to be intimate with you… you would see how much I was NOT put together, how I am NOT this rock hard/strong being, how I do NOT know it all and am not of a “sound mind.” If I am intimate with you, you will see my humanity.. the biggest part of me that I attempt to hide.
Oh how this one is SUCH a massively HUGE issue for me! On so many levels. The truth is, I wasn’t faced with just how deep of a rooted issue this is until I was married and suddenly, being sexually intimate was an “expected” thing. Now, let me be clear, to have sex and to be intimate are two different things. At least in my book. Though I dislike both, with having sex… I can shut down and out. I can disconnect without even meaning to.. have him do and ‘complete’ the task at hand, him turn over and go to sleep. All while I then work on turning over and controlling my crying and remind myself where I am and that I am ok.
Sexual intimacy, I’m not sure I’ve experienced much, if any. Because of trauma in this area has long since been a part of my story, some which I sort of recall, most of which I don’t. For me, being intimate sexually is a level of intense vulnerability and trust that I am trying to work on having. Having sex is something I relate with exposure and disgust, most times. You see, leaving aside the sexual traumas of my life, lets talk about the practical sense of having sex and why it makes me feel that way, at times.
By nature, women have so many insecurities. About their body especially.. my stomach, my breasts, my thighs, my buttocks; whether or not I’m satisfying my partner, or whether or not I need to “pretend” in order to have my mate believe he is adequate for me and satisfying me. For years, I was unable to take off my shirt while being “intimate” with a partner. Lights off, so he can’t see my bodily flaws. On day to day, with clothes on, he just saw the “outline” of my body and to HIM, it was “perfect.” When we were behind closed doors, clothes off and, God forbid, lights on.. he’d see my oh so many flaws, physically. It left me feeling too vulnerable. It leaves me too vulnerable.
In conclusion of this reality.. here’s where I am and what I’ve learned during this “discovery” process…
- I need to be aware of MY truth. Whether that means that I am absolutely comfortable with having close net relationships and/or being intimate with my partner; or that means, I have some issues to work through in each individual area.
- Being aware isn’t enough and I can’t live my life unable and unwilling to work and face it.
- Life is made up of relationships. That doesn’t mean I go around pouring myself into any and every one or allowing any and everyone inside BUT…those worthy.
- There are people worthy of being let into the vulnerability of me. I get to choose who those people are.
- Everyone imperfect and all will fail to some extent or another. That’s part of being human… yet, also recognizing that it doesn’t mean they aren’t trust worthy or unworthy of being with you. There’s balance in all.
- The GREATEST, MOST VALUABLE thing you have in life are the relationships that you build and edify with being your authentic true self.
The experiences and people in my life that did betray, hurt, shatter, violate, and mark some part of me don’t get to define me today… much less do they get to define and mark those that ARE worthy of intimacy with me.. because yes, it is a privilege and a right I choose to give others.. the opportunity and privilege to have intimacy with me.. emotionally or sexually.. or mentally..
This is all a process.. and many of these above mentioned things are truly just “head truths”… but I trust, for myself, one day.. they will be heart penetrating and life living, experiencing truth.
So, if you find yourself unable to connect or unwilling to intimately surrender.. I get it.. I TRULY get it AND… I trust there is another side to it all..
Leave a comment below… do you relate to this ‘unspoken’ truth of intimacy? Is it a comfortable thing for you to speak of?